Thursday, November 10, 2011

8 months

Today, 11/11/11, Jonah would have been 8 months old. This is a letter to him. Only positive thoughts going in. If you would like to leave a thought for Jonah please feel free.

Dear sweet Jonah,
     Although I only got to hold you for 7 months, you were a bright and shining light in my life. We found out we were expecting you after a weekend-long playdate with the babyzone girls. I took a pregnancy test on Sunday and, to my surprise and delight it was positive. I yelled down the stairs at Daddy, "We're gonna have another baby!" and he said "Yay!" You were wanted and loved so much from the very beginning.

     When I was 8 weeks along I heard your heartbeat for the first time, and I got to see you on ultrasound. That was the first of many, many times I got to see you. Each time was so wonderful and I always marveled at the miracle God was creating in me.

     You grew strong and healthy. At 16 weeks we were excited to find out that you were a little boy! Nana was with us at the ultrasound and she was thrilled. I was so happy that you would be joining our family. I couldn't wait for Isaac to have a little brother to grow up with and play with. Soon after we found out you were a boy, we chose your name, Jonah. I had a very difficult time picking your siblings' names but yours I knew from early on. I felt in my heart that it was the perfect name for you and it made me feel happy inside.

     On Friday, March 11, 2011 we went to the hospital to have you delivered. Your sisters were really excited that the baby was going to come out of my tummy. My surgery went smoothly and I will never forget the moment you were born. The doctor tried to hold you up so that I could see you. Even though I didn't get a good look I could hear your sweet cry. You were gorgeous. I remember saying that you looked like a Miller! Nana, Papaw, and Janice were there with Mommy and Daddy right after you were born. Everyone held you and talked about how wonderful and handsome you were. We chose your middle name, Edmund, after your Great Grandpa Eddie. When Grandma Lou heard this she said Grandpa would have been very pleased.

     We had lots of visitors while we stayed in the hospital. We both did so well that we got to come home after only two days. The day we brought you home was the happiest of our lives. Our family felt so happy and complete. Daddy took an extended leave so that he could have some special time to get to know you. Your sisters and brother were very happy and enthusiastic to meet you. Your sisters liked to help me take care of you.

      I got to spend Easter and my birthday with you. Then I broke my ankle, but Daddy stayed home to take care of me so we got lots of family time. Daddy would take care of your brother and sisters while I laid in bed and snuggled with you. We did lots of nursing too! Then I got to spend my 4th mother's day with my 4 beautiful children. Even though my leg was in a cast I felt like the luckiest lady alive. You made us feel so whole.

     Jonah, you were so beautiful. You had eyelashes that were a mile long and sweet, pouty lips. You had an adorable dimple when you smiled. You had huge beautiful blue eyes. You were soft and warm and snuggly. I knew just the right ways to hold you to make you feel safe and secure. I spent a lot of time holding you because I was the best at comforting you. That's what Moms are for. I loved your fuzzy warm head and your soft spot. I loved nuzzling your neck and rubbing my cheek on your cheek. I loved to hold your hand and squeeze your precious feet. You were such a gift to me and to this family. It made my day when your brother was softly rubbing your little head. Your sisters loved to play with you and make you laugh.

     When you were born, I planned our future with you in my mind. When you died, that future changed. It is my hope that our faith is true. I hope that you were greeted by the people that love you. I hope my Mom carried you up to Heaven to show you off to God and to our friends and family. I hope you were surrounded by love, and light, and warmth and peace. I want to believe since I didn't wake up when you passed away that it was very peaceful. If I had known that was my last night with you I would have held you all night. Know that I will forever hold you in my heart.

     Thank you God, and thank you Jonah, for the 7 months, plus pregnancy I was given with my dear son.

     I hope I live a long time, Jonah. I have to take good care of your brother and sisters and of Daddy. Let's make a deal, though. When I die, will you promise to come be the first to greet me? The first thing I want to do is hold my sweet boy again. You and Ashtin watch out for each other until Daddy and I get there. Mimi and Papaw Kenny will take good care of you.

Eternal rest grant unto him, O Lord
And let perpetual light shine upon him

All my love forever,
Ashley (your Mommy)

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