Birthday

Happy First Birthday my dear, sweet Jonah. Thank you for coming into our lives. We will never be the same after having you here. I am so sorry for all you went through in your short life, but we could not have possibly loved you more. My beautiful boy, we will always feel the heaviness of your absence and grieve what might have been.

I should be holding you while you try your first bite of cake and enjoy a party in your honor. I wish I could have sung Happy Birthday to you and given you your first birthday gift. I wish you could play with balloons with Melody, Lila, and Isaac, and that we could all take a stroll and enjoy some fresh air together.

Last year this day was one of the best of my life. I have come to accept that my heart and our family will always have a hole in it, but thank you for sharing yourself with our family. If only I could hold you one more time.

Endings and Beginnings

Forgive me ahead of time if this is not cohesive.

Today is the 16th anniversary of Jonathan Larson passing away due to an undiagnosed aortic aneurysm. Although I have never met the Larson family, I feel a special kinship with them. I loved musical theatre and especially the musical Rent before I knew the Jonathan Larson story, but once I heard Jonathan's story I felt a connection as a Marf. Now, losing Jonah the way I have, I feel an even deeper connection with the Larsons. They have been strong supporters of the NMF and careful protectors of Jonathan's legacy. Even though my Jonah was only 7 months old, and certainly didn't pen any Tony award winning musicals, I hope that I can show the world the beauty of his short life, what he meant to his Daddy and me, and help him to leave a legacy of his own.

2011 definitely ended in a whirlwind for our family. Just before Christmas we were surprised and overjoyed to discover we are expecting a new baby! A new beginning. We felt and still feel so blessed by this news and we look forward to welcoming him or her in mid to late August.

Christmas came and we did our best to enjoy it but we began to notice our 2.5 year old son, Isaac was very sick. We had taken him to the prompt care center for his swollen lymph nodes and he had been given antibiotics but whatever plagued him continued to progress. Isaac slept through most of the Christmas fun. Two days after Christmas we were alarmed to notice he was having long gaps between breaths and trouble getting air. I googled the funny movements his chest was making to find out they were called "rib retractions" and that we had an emergency situation.

We took Isaac directly to the ER, expecting an overnight stay at most, with antibiotics and some fluids since he was clearly dehydrated. By that night, after trying several interventions that didn't work, Isaac was sedated and placed on a vent. This was a very dark time for me. It was around 2 in the morning and my husband was at home with the girls. I was very afraid I was losing Isaac before my very eyes. I had sung "Silent Night" at Jonah and Mom's grave just days before on Christmas. Now all I could imagine was another loss, another funeral, another child gone.

Isaac pulled through though. He spent 48 hours on the ventilator and continuously improved during his stay. It was hard for me being away from home and from the girls. It was hard being in the hospital again, and it was hard seeing my little guy so sick, but I made it through too. Isaac and I spent New Year's Eve at the hospital, but we got to come hone for the first day of 2012. Another new beginning.

We are so grateful for the care Isaac received at the Peyton Manning Children's Hospital. He had such attentive nurses and doctors who included me in all aspects of his care. I felt completely in the loop most of the time. Isaac was diagnosed with nothing more than rhinovirus, a common cold. His immune system apparently over responded to the infection and the swelling caused his breathing problems. I'm so glad to have Isaac home.

We were able to see our new baby on ultrasound for the first time on January 17th. Baby had a heart rate of 146 beats per minute and looked exactly like he or she should for that age.

We miss Jonah every day, but we are so thankful for new beginnings.

Although it's a little late, Happy and Blessed New Year to all of you.

Unwelcome Guest

Grief is now an uninvited guest that is overstaying its welcome in our house. I am schlepping through life in a haze. I want to draw near to my other children and to my husband  and to God but the hurt is dizzying. A constant dialogue is happening in my head. Remember the old Looney Toons schtick where there would be a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other, trying to influence the character? Mine goes like this...

Angel says, "You did nothing wrong. You would have done anything for your baby. You loved him the best you could and it was his time."

Devil says, "You should have known, Ashley. Why did you let him have this surgery? Why didn't you ask for another night in the hospital? Why did you go to bed when you knew your child was in trouble? You should have taken him to the ER. You should have known despite what the doctor advised.Why didn't you wake up as he died?"

Angel says, "His death was painless or it would have woken you. He was ushered into heaven by the angels and saints and his loved ones before him. He is in the full glory of God and he lives on in spirit."

Devil says, "He suffered and you were not there for him. Now he is gone."

Angel says, "Live on in honor of Jonah. Live a life of love and grace in his memory. Live generously and live in the hope that you will see him again in Heaven. You were chosen to love this sweet little boy for 7 months and then it was time to let him go."

Devil says, "You are a terrible person and an unfit mother. You don't even deserve to live."

Angel says, "Look at all these friends supporting you. God has sent them. You are loved and cherished. Your little boy was loved and cherished. Your friends and family will help you through."

Devil says, "No one is going to care anymore after a few weeks and they will tire of your constant sadness. You, on the other hand will grieve forever."

For the sake of His sorrowful passion, have mercy on us, and on the whole world.
For the sake of His sorrowful passion, have mercy on us, and on the whole world.
For the sake of His sorrowful passion, have mercy on us, and on the whole world.
For the sake of His sorrowful passion, have mercy on us, and on the whole world.
For the sake of His sorrowful passion, have mercy on us, and on the whole world.
For the sake of His sorrowful passion, have mercy on us, and on the whole world.
For the sake of His sorrowful passion, have mercy on us, and on the whole world.
For the sake of His sorrowful passion, have mercy on us, and on the whole world.
For the sake of His sorrowful passion, have mercy on us, and on the whole world.
For the sake of His sorrowful passion, have mercy on us, and on the whole world.

Holy God, Holy Mighty One, Holy Immortal One, have mercy on us, and on the whole world.