Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Unwelcome Guest

Grief is now an uninvited guest that is overstaying its welcome in our house. I am schlepping through life in a haze. I want to draw near to my other children and to my husband  and to God but the hurt is dizzying. A constant dialogue is happening in my head. Remember the old Looney Toons schtick where there would be a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other, trying to influence the character? Mine goes like this...

Angel says, "You did nothing wrong. You would have done anything for your baby. You loved him the best you could and it was his time."

Devil says, "You should have known, Ashley. Why did you let him have this surgery? Why didn't you ask for another night in the hospital? Why did you go to bed when you knew your child was in trouble? You should have taken him to the ER. You should have known despite what the doctor advised.Why didn't you wake up as he died?"

Angel says, "His death was painless or it would have woken you. He was ushered into heaven by the angels and saints and his loved ones before him. He is in the full glory of God and he lives on in spirit."

Devil says, "He suffered and you were not there for him. Now he is gone."

Angel says, "Live on in honor of Jonah. Live a life of love and grace in his memory. Live generously and live in the hope that you will see him again in Heaven. You were chosen to love this sweet little boy for 7 months and then it was time to let him go."

Devil says, "You are a terrible person and an unfit mother. You don't even deserve to live."

Angel says, "Look at all these friends supporting you. God has sent them. You are loved and cherished. Your little boy was loved and cherished. Your friends and family will help you through."

Devil says, "No one is going to care anymore after a few weeks and they will tire of your constant sadness. You, on the other hand will grieve forever."

For the sake of His sorrowful passion, have mercy on us, and on the whole world.
For the sake of His sorrowful passion, have mercy on us, and on the whole world.
For the sake of His sorrowful passion, have mercy on us, and on the whole world.
For the sake of His sorrowful passion, have mercy on us, and on the whole world.
For the sake of His sorrowful passion, have mercy on us, and on the whole world.
For the sake of His sorrowful passion, have mercy on us, and on the whole world.
For the sake of His sorrowful passion, have mercy on us, and on the whole world.
For the sake of His sorrowful passion, have mercy on us, and on the whole world.
For the sake of His sorrowful passion, have mercy on us, and on the whole world.
For the sake of His sorrowful passion, have mercy on us, and on the whole world.

Holy God, Holy Mighty One, Holy Immortal One, have mercy on us, and on the whole world.







 





5 comments:

  1. It is such a grace that you are seeing temptation for what it is. May God's angels bear you up. I will pray.

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  2. Oh Ashley, I am praying and praying for you. I know my telling you this won't help, but I believe that if God was ready to take Jonah, nothing you could have done would have prevented it. I know this may sound trite, but I have heard wonderful things about grief counseling or joining support groups. Please know I am praying. My heart goes out to you and your family.

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  3. Dear Ashley, You are so much on my heart and in my prayers. I was reading a book by Catherine Doherty two nights ago after reading about dearest Jonah earlier in the day, and I felt like these words were for you. She is speaking of how our daily lives can be a living Rosary, reflecting those mysteries in our actual walk each day. She says, (this one about Finding Jesus in the Temple):

    "...faith would become reality and we would know that in God all separation ends, all loss is retrieved, all sorrows are healed."

    Oh Ashley, you did nothing wrong. You only loved. My prayers deeply with you and your precious family for healing and strength.
    In Christ-Josie

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  4. I read this post the morning after you put it up and spent the day imploring St Michael and the angels to surround you and take care of that devil on your shoulder. Please know my prayers for you continue!

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  5. I can only imagine what you're dealing with. Just know that the people around you - ALL of them - think that you're a wonderful mother and we all know that you'd have done everything in your power to help Jonah. Just remember that, and you'll defeat that nasty devil.

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