Birthday

Happy First Birthday my dear, sweet Jonah. Thank you for coming into our lives. We will never be the same after having you here. I am so sorry for all you went through in your short life, but we could not have possibly loved you more. My beautiful boy, we will always feel the heaviness of your absence and grieve what might have been.

I should be holding you while you try your first bite of cake and enjoy a party in your honor. I wish I could have sung Happy Birthday to you and given you your first birthday gift. I wish you could play with balloons with Melody, Lila, and Isaac, and that we could all take a stroll and enjoy some fresh air together.

Last year this day was one of the best of my life. I have come to accept that my heart and our family will always have a hole in it, but thank you for sharing yourself with our family. If only I could hold you one more time.

Unwelcome Guest

Grief is now an uninvited guest that is overstaying its welcome in our house. I am schlepping through life in a haze. I want to draw near to my other children and to my husband  and to God but the hurt is dizzying. A constant dialogue is happening in my head. Remember the old Looney Toons schtick where there would be a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other, trying to influence the character? Mine goes like this...

Angel says, "You did nothing wrong. You would have done anything for your baby. You loved him the best you could and it was his time."

Devil says, "You should have known, Ashley. Why did you let him have this surgery? Why didn't you ask for another night in the hospital? Why did you go to bed when you knew your child was in trouble? You should have taken him to the ER. You should have known despite what the doctor advised.Why didn't you wake up as he died?"

Angel says, "His death was painless or it would have woken you. He was ushered into heaven by the angels and saints and his loved ones before him. He is in the full glory of God and he lives on in spirit."

Devil says, "He suffered and you were not there for him. Now he is gone."

Angel says, "Live on in honor of Jonah. Live a life of love and grace in his memory. Live generously and live in the hope that you will see him again in Heaven. You were chosen to love this sweet little boy for 7 months and then it was time to let him go."

Devil says, "You are a terrible person and an unfit mother. You don't even deserve to live."

Angel says, "Look at all these friends supporting you. God has sent them. You are loved and cherished. Your little boy was loved and cherished. Your friends and family will help you through."

Devil says, "No one is going to care anymore after a few weeks and they will tire of your constant sadness. You, on the other hand will grieve forever."

For the sake of His sorrowful passion, have mercy on us, and on the whole world.
For the sake of His sorrowful passion, have mercy on us, and on the whole world.
For the sake of His sorrowful passion, have mercy on us, and on the whole world.
For the sake of His sorrowful passion, have mercy on us, and on the whole world.
For the sake of His sorrowful passion, have mercy on us, and on the whole world.
For the sake of His sorrowful passion, have mercy on us, and on the whole world.
For the sake of His sorrowful passion, have mercy on us, and on the whole world.
For the sake of His sorrowful passion, have mercy on us, and on the whole world.
For the sake of His sorrowful passion, have mercy on us, and on the whole world.
For the sake of His sorrowful passion, have mercy on us, and on the whole world.

Holy God, Holy Mighty One, Holy Immortal One, have mercy on us, and on the whole world.